i don't stroke egos.. i wreck whores

so there i was, in steamboat, colorado,
fuck.. that was a lot of commas

anyway.. steamboat.
using my 'gift' for bullshitting, i had gotten myself and the tanker into the soundcheck for an acoustic show at the grand. an artists only soundcheck. it's not that i'm anyone special or have any connections.. i'm just good at acting like i know what i'm doing. in this case, acting like i belonged wherever i was going and damn anyone who tried to tell me otherwise. as it were, tank is also just as skilled at keeping his head down and walking directly past the guys at the door like he's late for his own funeral. after we gained entrance, we pick'd out some really nice spots up front and reveled in our luck. we talk'd to a few of the different artists (no, i'm not going to tell you who because that would make me a namedropper and i don't care what you think about me based on who i know or who i've talk'd to. hell.. i don't care what you think about me if you're reading this. how's that?) and settled back into our spots, double fisting beers that we had sneaked in on our own because really, who the hell wants to pay five dollars for a small solo cup full of room temperature miller lite? "not i", said the schlute. shortly thereafter, the room began to fill up with the typical early crowd - a few drunks, a few decent folks and a whole lot of backstage bettys.. more commonly known as 'band whores'. you know the type.. the ones whose fathers had no idea that the tits they bought for their daughters seventeenth birthdays would serve only as punching bags for nearly every guy in texas who can play guitar and sing. yeah.. you know the type. anyway.. after we had finished all of our contraband beers, i told tank that i was making a beer run and headed for the exit. it's at this point that a particularly dumb and outstandingly unsuspecting band whore made the mistake of the night. as i walk'd past bw#1, she stopped me and smiled at her friend, then look'd deeply into my eyes and said, "what's your name?" my response? "why?" she explained that she thought i was cute.. and that i should buy her a beer. i pointed out that she had done nothing for me lately and that i most certainly would not be buying her a beer. i wouldn't have even gotten a mouthful of h2o from the h2o fountain and deposited it into her mouth, momma bird style.. that's how little i cared. she didn't seem to get the hint, so she reached out for my arm and said, "but we're thirsty. why don't you buy us a beer.. please?" as she batted her color contact glazed eyes at me. i told her "no" again and turn'd to walk away. it's at this point that her friend, bw#2, display'd all the social grace she could muster and spouted, "hey, asshole! she said 'buy us a beer'!" i was shock'd.. not at what she had said, but at the fact that she thought a line such as that would work with a face and beer gut like hers. i smiled, got down on one knee and motioned for them to draw closer as i placed a hand upon each of their thighs. when they leaned in, i look'd them squarely in the eyes and said, "ladies.. i've stepped over better girls than you two just looking for a place to jack off." and i said it with the sweetest smile/evil grin. their jaws dropped so far, they could have accomodated every man in the room with ease and i made my way to the bar, a little prouder, a little taller.. and a whole lot more 'schluterman'.